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Sunday marks the 30th anniversary the last time my favorite team the Washington R- no, Football T- wait, Commanders (still not sold on that) played in the Super Bowl.
Eventually, I decided to help other people in the same boat by suggesting who to root for in the big game if you just don't care.
It might be a little easier this year since a team from Ohio, with a quarterback from Ohio, will be taking the field, although I think we can all be forgiven if we didn't see that coming. But maybe the Cincinnati Bengals beat your team on their improbable run or there's some other reason you don't automatically prefer them over the Los Angeles Rams. Whatever the case, tradition is tradition, so I'm once again offering a step-by-step, scientific process (editor's note: this process is not at all scientific) for choosing your side.
Please understand I am in no way predicting who will win. I wouldn't risk bragging rights, let alone actual money, on my predictions based on knowledge of the actual teams, let alone whatever this is.
Geography
Cincinnati is less than 200 miles from Parkersburg, a little over a three-hour drive away. Los Angeles is (checks Google) farther -- 2,354 miles or a 35-hour road trip.
BENGALS 1, RAMS 0
Alma Maters
Players whose teams you're ambivalent toward today may have played for one of your favorites in college. I'm sure there is the occasional Louisiana Ragin' Cajuns or Idaho Vandals fan around the Mid-Ohio Valley, but I base this on the number of players from West Virginia, Ohio State, Ohio University and Marshall on each team's roster.
The Bengals have four former Buckeyes on the team -- defensive backs Eli Apple and Vonn Bell, defensive end Sam Hubbard and tackle Isaiah Prince.
That doesn't include quarterback Joe Burrow, who grew up in Athens and played for the Buckeyes before transferring to LSU. Cincinnati guard Quinton Spain is a Mountaineer.
The Rams have鈥� one Buckeye, safety Jordan Fuller, but he's injured and won't be taking the field. No Bobcats or Thundering Herd鈥� sters on either squad.
BENGALS 2, RAMS 0
Uniforms
The Rams' blue and yellow ensemble (they're not WVU, so I can just say "yellow," right?) was so garish it was hard to look directly at when they won Super Bowl XXXIV. They eventually toned it down somewhat with gold, but then it just didn't look right. Now, their uniforms are even brighter and it's just not working for me.
The Bengals may have the best helmets in the NFL, just black tiger stripes on orange. Their uniforms immediately convey their mascot.
If I saw a Ram in L.A.'s colors, I would be worried there was some sort of radiation leak in the area.
BENGALS 3, RAMS 0
Mascots
I always think it's interesting to consider which would win in a one-on-one matchup. Because neither Rams nor Bengals are biologically equipped to play football, this comes down to a fight. I'm not one for animal cruelty, so let's make it one of those perfectly ethical Pokemon bouts where everybody heals up in their little ball after combat.
Rams are dangerous, and I would not want to be on the wrong end of a charging one. But I'd take my chances with that over a tiger.
BENGALS 4, RAMS 0
Storyline
Rams quarterback Matthew Stafford is a veteran player who has never gotten far after the regular season. Some people blame that on him spending the first 12 years of his career with the Detroit Lions. A proven player finally getting the chance to go to the next level is compelling.
But if this was a movie, it would be about the Bengals. Two years ago, they had the worst record in the NFL, earning them the first pick in the draft: Burrow. No one expected them to win their division, make the playoffs, get to the championship game and beat the Chiefs. I don't know how many expect them to beat the Rams either, but I wouldn't count them out.
BENGALS 5, RAMS 0
There you have it. Objectively, there is no reason for you to root for the Los Angeles Rams Sunday.
Unless you just want to.
Evan Bevins can be reached at ebevins@newsandsentinel.com.